"You have to eat this!", my mother pleaded. The determination in her eyes was not easy to dismiss. Worried about my rapid weight loss and avoidance of food, she had begun confront her concerns, and myself, head on. Not one to go against my parents' wishes, I took the cheesy, grease laden quesadilla from her hand and ran up to my bedroom. Closing the door harshly for effect, I sat down and stared at the plate. If my mother told me to eat it, no commanded me to, I was going to eat it, but that didn't mean I had to pretend to be happy about it. The butter pooling atop the tortilla crust shined up at me. All I could think about was how much fat I was about to digest. I took a small bite and chewed in utter disgust. To my surprise, a hot, salty tear trickled down my cheek. I was crying! Actually crying over having to eat! The tears came faster as I realized what a mess I was in. "This isn't normal", I scolded myself. "Something is wrong with me." ~ Fall 2005
As I stare at these words on my computer screen, it's almost surreal to acknowledge that experience was my own. I have come so far since then. If you were to ask me where I am in recovery, I don't know how to answer. How do you measure progress? But, I do know that I am further than I have ever been. I do not have any fears about eating... well anything. No foods are 'off-limits'. I enjoy going to restaurants again and I eat anytime my body feels hungry, be that morning, evening, or the middle of the night. In some ways I feel 'whole', at least mentally. Physically... well, that's where I need to work harder. The body adapts. My body is used to eating less than 1,000 calories a day to function. If I eat 'intuitively' right now, what I want when I want, I will most likely only reach 800 calories. It's hard for my body to recognize and feel hunger. Whenever I do feel an actual rumbly in my tummy, I actually get excited! Seriously, I literally pull on my husband's shirt sleeves while skipping up and down exclaiming, "I'm hungry!" We all have our oddities 😉
Think about trying to eat 90% of your food when you're not even hungry. It's actually really hard! It's not nearly as satisfying to chew on a sandwich when it didn't call out to your eyes and nose despite's first. But during those tough days when I want to ignore the clock that I eat by, I remind myself: I spent a couple of years ignoring my body's natural hunger cues, and to reverse that, I now have to ignore its trained 'full' cues. It has to adapt back.
So how am I planning to eat more with a 'broken metabolism"? I am using a process called reverse dieting You gradually increase your caloric intake every week, observe your body's response, and continue to increase accordingly. This is the crux of my blog, recording my journey through this process. The great thing about reverse dieting is that it works for anyone who feels like they have hurt their metabolism. Be it someone recovering from ED, someone who has dieted too long, or someone who just can't seem to eat above 1,200 calories without gaining weight. Reverse dieting helps your body increase its metabolism, or capacity to derive energy from food, and not store it away as excess fat! It is the best way to increase your caloric intake without increasing your weight. Curious how? Follow me on my journey... I will explain the exact process in greater detail next post.
Xoxoxo
Jewels
