Where I Come From

Whooo... that's my sigh of tension being slowly released. This blog is the start of my new journey, a journey I have needed to travel a long time but have been hesitant to travel. In short I am taking charge of my health. I have struggled with disordered eating since I was 14. During my freshman year of high school at 5'7" my 140lb, teenage frame plummeted to a mere 90lbs. I slowly gained over the next several years, averaging 110lb in college. I felt happy with my weight here. I convinced myself it was my 'ideal' weight. I was a little atypical with my anorexia. I didn't obsess over the scale or counting calories. My habit was simpler than that: avoid food. Of course I did eat, a bite of brownie here, a small salad there, and half an apple when I had the munchies. I convinced myself I was eating 'intuitively'. I ate what I wanted when I wanted to. I didn't obsess (too much) about food and I didn't feel like I was fat (but I did run an extra mile if I felt like I ate a little too much, I didn't want to change my "ideal weight") 🙄 Fast forward 5 more years and enters a husband, and 2 children. They are probably the number one reason I have finally convinced myself to change. I want to be a better wife and mother...to give more of myself to them, and that means completely letting go of ED. Yes, I eat more than I used to. I'm guessing I averaged 400-500 calories a day back in college, but even now I hover around 800-1000. I weighed 125lb one month after the delivery of my second baby. I planned to cut out carbs and run off the next 15 lbs...but one week in my senses (and love for my boys) took over. I realized this isn't the life I want to live...it isn't healthy and it is so restricting. I want to LIVE, I mean truly live. I want to enjoy everything life has to offer me and in order to do that I need to take care of this incredible body God gave me. I know it isn't going to be easy, I am trying to reverse 10 years worth of restrictive eating. My metabolism is shot and my sense of adequate nutritional intake is utterly skewed. But I am headed in the right direction.

I don't write down these numbers to be triggering, but to show how far I have come. And,  I hope if anything, at least one person with a similar experience to my own will find these words someday and feel encouraged to start a journey all their own.

Xoxo ❤️
Jewels